Fragile - please handle with care

This past week seems to have been a real example of how fragile those things you take to be solid are. Teeth, you think they're rock hard and can chomp their way through everything. Apparently not.

I can use the loss of my teeth as a metaphor for the friendship two of my best friends lost recently. They've been there for each-other for years and years. Yet all of a sudden it seems that they're destined to take some time apart. I think it's sensible, but it almost seems like my parents are breaking up, and although I'm trying my hardest, it's all very difficult to really understand what's going on.

I'll admit, university is a changing experience. I've learnt to have a little more respect for myself and do what I want, regardless of the opinions of others. I forget how fantastic it is to get up at 8 and have a full day to do things. But all the same, these are the only real years i can get away with getting drunk on a weeknight and staying up until 5am. I know myself too well and know that if i don't do it sometimes, i'll only look back and think of myself as having missed oppertunities. But this is only me. Everyone differs. There are many friends of mine who really don't see the fun, they don't drink and don't stay out unless they want to and I very much respect them for that.

I have a lot of respect for those that do what they want. They listen to themselves, even the strongest of relationships can sometimes fall to pieces if you let them, if you're willing to let them. Ultimately the only real relationship you're going to have for ever is with yourself. You've got to really look after that one. It's often hard to distinguish what you really want, from what you think you want. You may think you want to do X because you like X.. when really, you want Y, and to get Y you think you have to want X. If that makes sense. I think that's why I've ultimately been happier in 2009. I realise I can do what I want, and that the world is full of opportunities for me to seize for myself. I can dance if I want, I can flirt if I want, and I can buy things for myself if I want. The only thing that continues to infringe my total freedom on things is my inbuilt desire to try not to offend or neglect others. But that's all about compromise, and when that's achieved, it's often the case that no offence is caused when you say you want to go and dance or live with more people or whatever.
Most importantly, yet not purposefully, in 2009 I have more time and more drive to do well in my work, because I realise I have one shot at it, and I want to make my parents proud of me. Something very hard to achieve when you have a stupidly clever sister who is becoming famous for her good looks. I hear my mum talk about how proud she is of her, and what do I do? get drunk and break my face. But I can just see my mum being awfully proud of her daughter getting a 2:1 in Maths and Philosophy. I'd be fucking proud of myself. Plus I think I'll be so happy to not feel forced into doing anymore difficult maths I feel uncomfortable with.

I feel ill tonight, but life is short and I have a day off lectures tomorrow. I'm going to go out and have a fun time dancing in dresses and pretty shoes with some friends of mine. Cause I can't do things like that on a tuesday night in 20 years time. I need to appreciate these days while they're here.