I'm realising that I've never been with anyone that from an objective standpoint I would put myself with. Most people will often look back on all their previous relationships and think "awww.. i remember when.." or just generally possess feelings of nostalgia. There's very few moments of nostalgia I can think of. What is that saying though?
Do I settle for someone I shouldn't? or am I easily influenced by others? Or maybe it's just that love is a stupid infectious drug that makes you fall for someone regardless to all laws of logic.,
The reason for this post is that my ex's aren't as level headed as I had often thought they were, one doesn't remember hardly any of the moments i look back and "aww" over which kind of makes them lose the importance since the memory becomes only important to you. If that makes sense? I think of who I'd want to be with, and the immediate qualities that jump at me I am yet to find in someone.
I'm having a lonely day, and maybe writing this is one of the reasons why.
Friday, 20 February 2009
Monday, 16 February 2009
angst
I'm so frustrated, tense, tired, fed up.
People should have fun. People should also have consideration for other's feelings and remember some manners.
I wanted to work a lot today, but I couldn't because my mind's shot up the creek. I can barely hold a pen let alone write about philosophy right now. I did have a productive day in the sense I sorted my room a little. Incense makes everything better. I also phoned a fair few people whom I hadn't spoken to in a while.
The weekend's brought to light how much of a tit i can be. Naive perhaps at times. Love games are GREAT. X likes Y, Y may or may not know, P,Q,R and K think Z likes X, but that's only because of Y, M, P, S. I don't even know the truth in it any more. Drunken twat.
I want to see people and have a glass of wine. But I just dont know what the consequences of my actions even are any more. Maybe I've been so caught up in enjoying being able to do what I want that I forget you do have to think about others. Maybe I'm a hypocrite for my opening lines.
May. Bee. I look forward to bee's in may. The sun was beautiful today. Almost made me forget I had anything to worry about.
People should have fun. People should also have consideration for other's feelings and remember some manners.
I wanted to work a lot today, but I couldn't because my mind's shot up the creek. I can barely hold a pen let alone write about philosophy right now. I did have a productive day in the sense I sorted my room a little. Incense makes everything better. I also phoned a fair few people whom I hadn't spoken to in a while.
The weekend's brought to light how much of a tit i can be. Naive perhaps at times. Love games are GREAT. X likes Y, Y may or may not know, P,Q,R and K think Z likes X, but that's only because of Y, M, P, S. I don't even know the truth in it any more. Drunken twat.
I want to see people and have a glass of wine. But I just dont know what the consequences of my actions even are any more. Maybe I've been so caught up in enjoying being able to do what I want that I forget you do have to think about others. Maybe I'm a hypocrite for my opening lines.
May. Bee. I look forward to bee's in may. The sun was beautiful today. Almost made me forget I had anything to worry about.
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Fragile - please handle with care
This past week seems to have been a real example of how fragile those things you take to be solid are. Teeth, you think they're rock hard and can chomp their way through everything. Apparently not.
I can use the loss of my teeth as a metaphor for the friendship two of my best friends lost recently. They've been there for each-other for years and years. Yet all of a sudden it seems that they're destined to take some time apart. I think it's sensible, but it almost seems like my parents are breaking up, and although I'm trying my hardest, it's all very difficult to really understand what's going on.
I'll admit, university is a changing experience. I've learnt to have a little more respect for myself and do what I want, regardless of the opinions of others. I forget how fantastic it is to get up at 8 and have a full day to do things. But all the same, these are the only real years i can get away with getting drunk on a weeknight and staying up until 5am. I know myself too well and know that if i don't do it sometimes, i'll only look back and think of myself as having missed oppertunities. But this is only me. Everyone differs. There are many friends of mine who really don't see the fun, they don't drink and don't stay out unless they want to and I very much respect them for that.
I have a lot of respect for those that do what they want. They listen to themselves, even the strongest of relationships can sometimes fall to pieces if you let them, if you're willing to let them. Ultimately the only real relationship you're going to have for ever is with yourself. You've got to really look after that one. It's often hard to distinguish what you really want, from what you think you want. You may think you want to do X because you like X.. when really, you want Y, and to get Y you think you have to want X. If that makes sense. I think that's why I've ultimately been happier in 2009. I realise I can do what I want, and that the world is full of opportunities for me to seize for myself. I can dance if I want, I can flirt if I want, and I can buy things for myself if I want. The only thing that continues to infringe my total freedom on things is my inbuilt desire to try not to offend or neglect others. But that's all about compromise, and when that's achieved, it's often the case that no offence is caused when you say you want to go and dance or live with more people or whatever.
Most importantly, yet not purposefully, in 2009 I have more time and more drive to do well in my work, because I realise I have one shot at it, and I want to make my parents proud of me. Something very hard to achieve when you have a stupidly clever sister who is becoming famous for her good looks. I hear my mum talk about how proud she is of her, and what do I do? get drunk and break my face. But I can just see my mum being awfully proud of her daughter getting a 2:1 in Maths and Philosophy. I'd be fucking proud of myself. Plus I think I'll be so happy to not feel forced into doing anymore difficult maths I feel uncomfortable with.
I feel ill tonight, but life is short and I have a day off lectures tomorrow. I'm going to go out and have a fun time dancing in dresses and pretty shoes with some friends of mine. Cause I can't do things like that on a tuesday night in 20 years time. I need to appreciate these days while they're here.
I can use the loss of my teeth as a metaphor for the friendship two of my best friends lost recently. They've been there for each-other for years and years. Yet all of a sudden it seems that they're destined to take some time apart. I think it's sensible, but it almost seems like my parents are breaking up, and although I'm trying my hardest, it's all very difficult to really understand what's going on.
I'll admit, university is a changing experience. I've learnt to have a little more respect for myself and do what I want, regardless of the opinions of others. I forget how fantastic it is to get up at 8 and have a full day to do things. But all the same, these are the only real years i can get away with getting drunk on a weeknight and staying up until 5am. I know myself too well and know that if i don't do it sometimes, i'll only look back and think of myself as having missed oppertunities. But this is only me. Everyone differs. There are many friends of mine who really don't see the fun, they don't drink and don't stay out unless they want to and I very much respect them for that.
I have a lot of respect for those that do what they want. They listen to themselves, even the strongest of relationships can sometimes fall to pieces if you let them, if you're willing to let them. Ultimately the only real relationship you're going to have for ever is with yourself. You've got to really look after that one. It's often hard to distinguish what you really want, from what you think you want. You may think you want to do X because you like X.. when really, you want Y, and to get Y you think you have to want X. If that makes sense. I think that's why I've ultimately been happier in 2009. I realise I can do what I want, and that the world is full of opportunities for me to seize for myself. I can dance if I want, I can flirt if I want, and I can buy things for myself if I want. The only thing that continues to infringe my total freedom on things is my inbuilt desire to try not to offend or neglect others. But that's all about compromise, and when that's achieved, it's often the case that no offence is caused when you say you want to go and dance or live with more people or whatever.
Most importantly, yet not purposefully, in 2009 I have more time and more drive to do well in my work, because I realise I have one shot at it, and I want to make my parents proud of me. Something very hard to achieve when you have a stupidly clever sister who is becoming famous for her good looks. I hear my mum talk about how proud she is of her, and what do I do? get drunk and break my face. But I can just see my mum being awfully proud of her daughter getting a 2:1 in Maths and Philosophy. I'd be fucking proud of myself. Plus I think I'll be so happy to not feel forced into doing anymore difficult maths I feel uncomfortable with.
I feel ill tonight, but life is short and I have a day off lectures tomorrow. I'm going to go out and have a fun time dancing in dresses and pretty shoes with some friends of mine. Cause I can't do things like that on a tuesday night in 20 years time. I need to appreciate these days while they're here.
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