Why do I like the boys that I can't have?

ohmygodiamabigballofrageandfrustration.

Adele's album on spotify is helping though. I'm just URGH.

Why is it that the boys i have interest in have girlfriends and yet REGARDLESS.. some of them tell me I'm all this that and the other and how great me and them would be together..?? for fucks sake. Seems I have quite the abnormal view of love of "Eros is the aspect of love which “is ignited by the pair of laughing blue eyes only you have” , it says ‘I would rather be here, with her, than anyone else in the universe’. This is the type of love that lovers are “in” and it is precisely the love that is promised to the spouse at the altar when a couple are married".

Yes a relationship is supposed to be you and someone you very much enjoy the company of sharing intimate things and having a special kind of friendship. BUT ultimately, if you realise that you'd rather have that with someone else then you really shouldn't stay with your girlfriend. ITS NOT FAIR ON ANYONE. And of course. YOU LOVE IT because you have two girls (maybe more) pining after you. WELL NO MORE. you lead your life as you want to. I'm not opening any more of my heart to you, when it's battered away... for reasons that I very much understand.. but reasons that are very hard to deal with on your own. I understand you care for her, and have to give it a go incase something special happens.. but after this long.. AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW BY NOW!!!!

I'm all over the place and I can't focus on my work. When you're lonely, you can talk to people for the attention, even though you don't want them. So maybe I'm being a hypocrite with all the above stuff.. you can be with someone and still feel lonely. BUT NO.. you shouldn't feel lonely when you're with someone.. just cause the flame has gone with your girlfriend, dont start getting your matches out for me when you don't want to light the wick.. or whatever.

PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE WITH OTHERS THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO MARRY. Relationships are special, and it's about time I realised that myself and got with someone with the personality that i genuinely want to settle down with. I constantly feel like I'm settling for comfort. i want butterflies, I want cuddles.. I want dinners cooked for me. I WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL.. not just some escape root for you.

I'm not self pitying.. I deserve someone like that. And I'll find him. I just have to realise that that person isn't you.

I should really try to focus on my work. I have finals a week tomorrow.. and I have a lot to learn. I also need to start finding a job. I'm more worried I won't find a job than i am worried I won't find a man.

then there's the guy i fail to see any more in than being a best friend. Fucking waste. If i could only feel more than that I'd be set for happiness.. but i don't.. and i won't. As much as I wish that I did. I'm not going to jump into something that I know I don't want. you can't force love ( as a conversation with someone else is telling me )

It doesnt help I cant enjoy comfort eating without fear that I'm going to break my teeth off.

I don't like change. I'm wary of next year. It's going to be different.. I'm sure there'll be some things that i enjoy more thani do here.. but also there's bound to be plenty things I miss. i guess I can always thank the fact that I will have memories. Can't help but feel sometimes that i didnt make the most of them though.

end. for now.