Fed up

Today.. Fed up.. That's all I feel.

I'm not tired, and yet i feel mentally exhausted. Home can get awfully trying, even though no-one is purposely doing anything to upset me. I live in this fake reality bubble at home, where mum pretends that everything is okay, and dad pretends that there's nothing to not be okay about. I'm just fed up. Would you please dad, DECIDE. You know you either want Wendy or Mum.. if you say you want both then you have to realise that you're living in this deluded fantasy world where that's ok. It's not just mum you're hurting, but you piss steph and I off too. On a whole different level to how you used to when i was a child and you just got angry at me for making noise. Now you piss me off for doing things that are hurtful to others. you disappoint me because i was raised on the understanding that you of all people were the nice generous man. the caring man that went out of his way to help others. now i just don't know what to make of you anymore. That in itself is twisted because you're my DAD.

so that's one stress. My other stresses are still on the topic of boys. I feel i need a big sigh and knuckle crack before I carry on. So i find what I thought was a really nice guy on holiday... and although of course in reality nothing was to come of it as soon as my plane left the island, it was nice to think that he'd be one of the good ones who was interested in keeping in touch. He was funny, smelt incredible, just.. nice to see him whenever I was out. He was the perfect outlet for my attention.. I had someone to put my arm around, to sleep next to and show affection for.. [ there's only so much of that which one can give to a cat.. a dying cat at that ]. Now I'm home.. and that outlet has vanished. I'm stuck with all these emotions and want for male attention.. whose outlet got taken away from me for.. well.. no REAL reason.

Most relationships (not that i'm saying what i had for 4 days was that).. but they end either out of discovering something nasty about the other person, or by just realising that you're not supposed to carry on. My outlet sort of ended with nothing of the sort, and i think that's why I'm finding it particularly difficult to overcome. It doesnt help that he says he wants tos ee me.. yet I know he's probably only saying it to be nice. I mean, he doesnt text me.. or start the convo.. and if he liked me like I wanted to be liked he would..

Thankfully I'm getting over that one.

I dont want to be one of those pathetic girls screaming that she wants a boyfriend, but singledom has really begun to take its toll since being at home, because I can't give anyone my fuss and attention. I'm not saying that I want a boy desperately and now.. but an outlet for all this built up love that seems to be inside of me right now would be nice. I have about 4 friends at home who i enjoy seeing..and i love seeing them.. but most of them are happy.. and have an outlet for this type of emotion. it seems i'm the only who doesn't.. and so i cant talk to anyone about it. I want to put my arms around a man who wants to put him arms around mine.. and just lie there.. we have a gorgeous garden, with stars that are unbelievably bright and a gentle river running through it. can someone lie with me and give me a kiss every now and again while i watch it please? I need a week of love from a boy... I miss being loved by a boy.

Sigh.

Why do I like the boys that I can't have?

ohmygodiamabigballofrageandfrustration.

Adele's album on spotify is helping though. I'm just URGH.

Why is it that the boys i have interest in have girlfriends and yet REGARDLESS.. some of them tell me I'm all this that and the other and how great me and them would be together..?? for fucks sake. Seems I have quite the abnormal view of love of "Eros is the aspect of love which “is ignited by the pair of laughing blue eyes only you have” , it says ‘I would rather be here, with her, than anyone else in the universe’. This is the type of love that lovers are “in” and it is precisely the love that is promised to the spouse at the altar when a couple are married".

Yes a relationship is supposed to be you and someone you very much enjoy the company of sharing intimate things and having a special kind of friendship. BUT ultimately, if you realise that you'd rather have that with someone else then you really shouldn't stay with your girlfriend. ITS NOT FAIR ON ANYONE. And of course. YOU LOVE IT because you have two girls (maybe more) pining after you. WELL NO MORE. you lead your life as you want to. I'm not opening any more of my heart to you, when it's battered away... for reasons that I very much understand.. but reasons that are very hard to deal with on your own. I understand you care for her, and have to give it a go incase something special happens.. but after this long.. AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW BY NOW!!!!

I'm all over the place and I can't focus on my work. When you're lonely, you can talk to people for the attention, even though you don't want them. So maybe I'm being a hypocrite with all the above stuff.. you can be with someone and still feel lonely. BUT NO.. you shouldn't feel lonely when you're with someone.. just cause the flame has gone with your girlfriend, dont start getting your matches out for me when you don't want to light the wick.. or whatever.

PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE WITH OTHERS THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO MARRY. Relationships are special, and it's about time I realised that myself and got with someone with the personality that i genuinely want to settle down with. I constantly feel like I'm settling for comfort. i want butterflies, I want cuddles.. I want dinners cooked for me. I WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL.. not just some escape root for you.

I'm not self pitying.. I deserve someone like that. And I'll find him. I just have to realise that that person isn't you.

I should really try to focus on my work. I have finals a week tomorrow.. and I have a lot to learn. I also need to start finding a job. I'm more worried I won't find a job than i am worried I won't find a man.

then there's the guy i fail to see any more in than being a best friend. Fucking waste. If i could only feel more than that I'd be set for happiness.. but i don't.. and i won't. As much as I wish that I did. I'm not going to jump into something that I know I don't want. you can't force love ( as a conversation with someone else is telling me )

It doesnt help I cant enjoy comfort eating without fear that I'm going to break my teeth off.

I don't like change. I'm wary of next year. It's going to be different.. I'm sure there'll be some things that i enjoy more thani do here.. but also there's bound to be plenty things I miss. i guess I can always thank the fact that I will have memories. Can't help but feel sometimes that i didnt make the most of them though.

end. for now.

Bring on the happy music

I'VE JUST WRITTEN MY FIRST DISSERTATION DRAFTTT.. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

A month before it's due in.. I praise whomever thought THAT was a good idea. Yes it will be ripped to shreds by my tutor.. and YES I will hate looking at it for the next month, but that's an incredible foundation to be working on.

Other news: I'm much happier being in southampton than being at home. Don't get me wrong, I love being home and seeing my family, and especially so when my big sister's around. But at least being in southampton I am myself, I have friends around who don't drive me mental and places where I enjoy having a drink. Home isn't what it used to be for me anymore. I can't stand seeing some people, and I hate the fact I've overdone everything that there is to do there. Very few of my best friends are around at the same time, and even when they are we can't hang out like we used to.

I hate how much my ex boyfriend riles me. He constantly frustrates me. And I hate that he annoys me so much that I begin to talk about it, because as soon as I begin to talk about it I can't stop myself and then the fact that I'm talking about it frustrates me further.

moving on. University life is too short. Just as I feel like I'm making the most of it it's being ripped out from under my nose, and I'm being rubbish at trying to figure out what to do afterward. It seems people want or need me to be at home, which isn't where I'm happy anymore, but I want to support those who need me and who I owe support to.. It's a catch 22. I also get myself tied up in frustration when I feel like I'm no use. Those who console me and support me are so strong and wise that I feel like whatever I say means nothing and if anything comes over as patronising. Recent activities have perhaps demonstrated this to not be the case when someone i did think was very wise and mature acted in a very childish manner. See. Emotions once again making you oversee the rational. I hate that they do that.

Anyway. I like a boy. It's fun. I know I shouldn't like him, cause he's not the type of man I could see myself being mentally stimulated by, which is what i need.. but there again.. emotions oversee the rational. And while I don't have to commit myself to anything serious I shouldn't stop myself having fun.

fun's important to maintain in the tough times. Thus the stupid amount of shopping I've been doing since Dad put money in my account. oops.

...

I REALLY LIKE HIM

the end

It's been a while

Its been a while since Ive written on here. Today is intended on being a productive day and I must say I classify blogging as productive.

Well I've been at home here and there and it's been interesting. Really hard to stay strong sometimes, when the family is going a bit mental in a variety of ways. It was at first a nightmare to try and get work done, but I've managed to write 2500 words, ish, while i've been here... I've seen very few people other than my family which is a shame in a way, but everything is so different now. I was uploading some years old photos not too long ago and it really made me nostalgic about years ago and having a childhood. When it used to be fun just to sit in the middle of a shitty town and talk, and throw paint around and cause harmless havoc to the town. But very few of the people I was putting pictures up would I still consider myself close to. And its sad. So many of the boys have gone off to uni and lead their own life without so much as a thought to the old times, and some others just have different interests to me. I'm not naming names, but nor do I want people to assume I'm refering to them, if i still talk to you then it's not going to be you i'm refering to.. Talking of which I've been really glad to have made a bridge with an old friend. Even if it is only made of string and not big gurt metal chunks.. There's at least something tying us together again. Lots of stupid complications and chinese whispers and interferences have made it difficult for us two to communicate properly. But she's a good lass whom I have nothing against whatsoever, just many things said to me made me feel like she had something against me. Seems that was very much all stupidity which has since been resolved, and I'm happy. I admit you cant be everyones friend all the time but there's no point being anyone's enemy. Unless they frustrate you to the point that you dred even saying hello.

anyway, boys.. there's something every girl always feels the need to talk about. The other week I managed to sleep in the bed of someone i'd always had a little soft spot for. Its great because the 'love games' are barely games.. unlike others. There are some people who say one thing, but I swear they mean another, might be because I've lost a whole lot of trust in people, but it may also be because people aren't who they say they are. Love game are for idiots. I say be you and do what you want to do, cause at the end of the day t hat's the you that at the end of the day you want the other to want. Don't be anyone but yourself cause you're making the other person like someone you're not.


The next 2 months are going to be tough for a number of reasons, saying goodbye to friends, deciding what to do with my life, supporting the family and actually trying to do the best work of my entire degree course in that time. The future lies ahead of me, and I don't like how it's looking right now. too overcast and foggy. GIVE ME SUNSHINE.

Questions questions

I'm realising that I've never been with anyone that from an objective standpoint I would put myself with. Most people will often look back on all their previous relationships and think "awww.. i remember when.." or just generally possess feelings of nostalgia. There's very few moments of nostalgia I can think of. What is that saying though?

Do I settle for someone I shouldn't? or am I easily influenced by others? Or maybe it's just that love is a stupid infectious drug that makes you fall for someone regardless to all laws of logic.,

The reason for this post is that my ex's aren't as level headed as I had often thought they were, one doesn't remember hardly any of the moments i look back and "aww" over which kind of makes them lose the importance since the memory becomes only important to you. If that makes sense? I think of who I'd want to be with, and the immediate qualities that jump at me I am yet to find in someone.

I'm having a lonely day, and maybe writing this is one of the reasons why.

angst

I'm so frustrated, tense, tired, fed up.

People should have fun. People should also have consideration for other's feelings and remember some manners.

I wanted to work a lot today, but I couldn't because my mind's shot up the creek. I can barely hold a pen let alone write about philosophy right now. I did have a productive day in the sense I sorted my room a little. Incense makes everything better. I also phoned a fair few people whom I hadn't spoken to in a while.

The weekend's brought to light how much of a tit i can be. Naive perhaps at times. Love games are GREAT. X likes Y, Y may or may not know, P,Q,R and K think Z likes X, but that's only because of Y, M, P, S. I don't even know the truth in it any more. Drunken twat.

I want to see people and have a glass of wine. But I just dont know what the consequences of my actions even are any more. Maybe I've been so caught up in enjoying being able to do what I want that I forget you do have to think about others. Maybe I'm a hypocrite for my opening lines.

May. Bee. I look forward to bee's in may. The sun was beautiful today. Almost made me forget I had anything to worry about.

Fragile - please handle with care

This past week seems to have been a real example of how fragile those things you take to be solid are. Teeth, you think they're rock hard and can chomp their way through everything. Apparently not.

I can use the loss of my teeth as a metaphor for the friendship two of my best friends lost recently. They've been there for each-other for years and years. Yet all of a sudden it seems that they're destined to take some time apart. I think it's sensible, but it almost seems like my parents are breaking up, and although I'm trying my hardest, it's all very difficult to really understand what's going on.

I'll admit, university is a changing experience. I've learnt to have a little more respect for myself and do what I want, regardless of the opinions of others. I forget how fantastic it is to get up at 8 and have a full day to do things. But all the same, these are the only real years i can get away with getting drunk on a weeknight and staying up until 5am. I know myself too well and know that if i don't do it sometimes, i'll only look back and think of myself as having missed oppertunities. But this is only me. Everyone differs. There are many friends of mine who really don't see the fun, they don't drink and don't stay out unless they want to and I very much respect them for that.

I have a lot of respect for those that do what they want. They listen to themselves, even the strongest of relationships can sometimes fall to pieces if you let them, if you're willing to let them. Ultimately the only real relationship you're going to have for ever is with yourself. You've got to really look after that one. It's often hard to distinguish what you really want, from what you think you want. You may think you want to do X because you like X.. when really, you want Y, and to get Y you think you have to want X. If that makes sense. I think that's why I've ultimately been happier in 2009. I realise I can do what I want, and that the world is full of opportunities for me to seize for myself. I can dance if I want, I can flirt if I want, and I can buy things for myself if I want. The only thing that continues to infringe my total freedom on things is my inbuilt desire to try not to offend or neglect others. But that's all about compromise, and when that's achieved, it's often the case that no offence is caused when you say you want to go and dance or live with more people or whatever.
Most importantly, yet not purposefully, in 2009 I have more time and more drive to do well in my work, because I realise I have one shot at it, and I want to make my parents proud of me. Something very hard to achieve when you have a stupidly clever sister who is becoming famous for her good looks. I hear my mum talk about how proud she is of her, and what do I do? get drunk and break my face. But I can just see my mum being awfully proud of her daughter getting a 2:1 in Maths and Philosophy. I'd be fucking proud of myself. Plus I think I'll be so happy to not feel forced into doing anymore difficult maths I feel uncomfortable with.

I feel ill tonight, but life is short and I have a day off lectures tomorrow. I'm going to go out and have a fun time dancing in dresses and pretty shoes with some friends of mine. Cause I can't do things like that on a tuesday night in 20 years time. I need to appreciate these days while they're here.

Exams n Shizzle

I'm tired, Its 12:17.. and yet.. I'm only just really read to start working. My body clock frustrates me, I know i could get used to less sleep, but yet I just can never physically move unless I know I need to. I even woke up, went back to sleep, then had a really really odd dream. In this dream, I moved into a house in a estate that looked like Pymore with Kirsty, Emily H, Rozanna, an old work friend and Kirsty Eve. Well WEIRD.

so what else? well I'm tired, and the maths hurts my head. I really hope the exam is of similar difficulty to last years.. and not the years before... the years before look like gay diseases.

So life is good, settled, and I'm happy.

now Dan and I broke up I get to spend lots of time with my flatmates, and I'm close with them again, like i used to be! I get to sag out in my living room watching Sex and the City all day while trying to do maths.. less fun.. but still. It's good. The sexual frustration I'd been feeling recently has also recently been fulfilled. Reminded me I've no need to feel the self conscious way I had done.

This next week should be aweeeesome! like a holiday. See my friends, and try to plan my future a little.. should be good! I just need to take a book with me and make sure I give myself 5 hours in the week at least where i sit and borrow laptops and work! Dissertation is looming and the fact these exams have just happened reminds me how hard it is for me to get a 2:1.. and how important it is that I manage it with my Dissertation.

cry cry cry. All in all i shouldnt be on this computer.. I should be set up in the lounge ready for work o clock. All day. Maths. SULK

xxxx