I've been dilly dathering around my work today... And after the heart shed of last night and realising how good my GOOD friends are I sat in a computer room with one of them and tried to work.. I was hoping to get 1000 words churned out. Managed about 400 so far. I guess If i can do another 650 I'll be happy. But of course the kitchen needs cleaning and my bed needs making before I can even think about that.
Boy called. He actually seemed really enthusiastic to talk to me, which makes a change. A nice change. But he always only talks to me for 10 minutes.. the amount of time which he says all he can think to say. I think i'm feeling a lot of pempted up resentment toward him. What he's doing is perfectly normal, but i'm finding a reason to not like him for it. He asks why I'm not sure I want to goto dinner on my 21st anymore.. He asks how the work is, how I am... and my answers are all very much in the category of "meh". I resent him for being so happy when he doesnt accept where he is in his life. He's 21, lives at home, goes to college, doesnt grasp the difference between there their and they're.. which for some reason winds me up. I dont know. I feel like I'm dating a 15 yr old who looks up to me as if i'm something from the magazines.. I'm only what he should be.. what he COULD be.. I resent that he's missed the oppertunity to do something that I'm pretty sure he wants to do. He's never going to leave Weymouth now. But why should such petty things bother me so much? He's funny, and kind, and strong and attractive and healthy. My God he's so much more capable to live his life than my previous boyfriend, yet i put up with him for 18 months!! Now I'm with dan I dont even know how that previous relationship lasted longer than 3 weeks! SO WHY AM I SO UNHAPPY?
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Tuesday, 9 December 2008
Monday, 8 December 2008
hormonal? over reacting? or just fed up?
It helps to write things down. I've known this for a long time. Today things have just got so on top of me I know I need to write them down so I can get on analysing what Nietzsche thinks happens when we cannot express ourselves.
Nietzsche said we feel 'ressentiment' and anger towards those preventing us from acting out our drives and ambitions. Trying to figure out exactly what's stopping me has been the difficulty of today.
I'm a student at university, my current boyfriend of nearly 4 months, lives 80 miles away, and spends his loan on train tickets to come and see me every weekend. Its intense, or at least, now I realise it is. He's new to relationships, or at least ones with people his own age who have their own place and have developed a real sense of what it is to live outside of the homing nest. He's great, treats me like a princess. But I dont think that's what I need. What I dont understand is why I'm trying to reject someone who wants to shower me with presents and tell me I'm beautiful every moment of every day. I'm lucky to have him. He just, doesn't understand how to comfort me, isn't on the same level of maturity as I am, and thinks it's important that I think higher of him than he thinks of himself. He pretends he's experienced in relationships and sex, even though it seems apparent to me that he isn't.
His attitude toward me can be patronizing, talking to me like I talk to my cat. Maybe I should stop talking to my cat like that, She's old and wise.. she probably resents me for it too!!!
i had a joint 21st birthday party with my friend this friday I go and yell at my boyfriend at the end of the night for being concerned about me. I hate to think people are worried about my wellbeing. I like to feel like i'm independant and in control. Even if i do need help, I hate to admit it.
Maybe the issues are mine, I'm turning my drives in on myself and becoming something I dont want to be.. an upset, stuck up, unappreciative cow who hollows in her own room moaning that no one makes the effort with me.. but am I justified in making such claims? I'd like to think I make effort with others.. It's hard to do so when you don't feel appreciated though.
I have plenty mouse friends at home, and I cannot WAIT to see them on saturday.
Nietzsche said we feel 'ressentiment' and anger towards those preventing us from acting out our drives and ambitions. Trying to figure out exactly what's stopping me has been the difficulty of today.
I'm a student at university, my current boyfriend of nearly 4 months, lives 80 miles away, and spends his loan on train tickets to come and see me every weekend. Its intense, or at least, now I realise it is. He's new to relationships, or at least ones with people his own age who have their own place and have developed a real sense of what it is to live outside of the homing nest. He's great, treats me like a princess. But I dont think that's what I need. What I dont understand is why I'm trying to reject someone who wants to shower me with presents and tell me I'm beautiful every moment of every day. I'm lucky to have him. He just, doesn't understand how to comfort me, isn't on the same level of maturity as I am, and thinks it's important that I think higher of him than he thinks of himself. He pretends he's experienced in relationships and sex, even though it seems apparent to me that he isn't.
His attitude toward me can be patronizing, talking to me like I talk to my cat. Maybe I should stop talking to my cat like that, She's old and wise.. she probably resents me for it too!!!
i had a joint 21st birthday party with my friend this friday I go and yell at my boyfriend at the end of the night for being concerned about me. I hate to think people are worried about my wellbeing. I like to feel like i'm independant and in control. Even if i do need help, I hate to admit it.
Maybe the issues are mine, I'm turning my drives in on myself and becoming something I dont want to be.. an upset, stuck up, unappreciative cow who hollows in her own room moaning that no one makes the effort with me.. but am I justified in making such claims? I'd like to think I make effort with others.. It's hard to do so when you don't feel appreciated though.
I have plenty mouse friends at home, and I cannot WAIT to see them on saturday.
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