Fed up

Today.. Fed up.. That's all I feel.

I'm not tired, and yet i feel mentally exhausted. Home can get awfully trying, even though no-one is purposely doing anything to upset me. I live in this fake reality bubble at home, where mum pretends that everything is okay, and dad pretends that there's nothing to not be okay about. I'm just fed up. Would you please dad, DECIDE. You know you either want Wendy or Mum.. if you say you want both then you have to realise that you're living in this deluded fantasy world where that's ok. It's not just mum you're hurting, but you piss steph and I off too. On a whole different level to how you used to when i was a child and you just got angry at me for making noise. Now you piss me off for doing things that are hurtful to others. you disappoint me because i was raised on the understanding that you of all people were the nice generous man. the caring man that went out of his way to help others. now i just don't know what to make of you anymore. That in itself is twisted because you're my DAD.

so that's one stress. My other stresses are still on the topic of boys. I feel i need a big sigh and knuckle crack before I carry on. So i find what I thought was a really nice guy on holiday... and although of course in reality nothing was to come of it as soon as my plane left the island, it was nice to think that he'd be one of the good ones who was interested in keeping in touch. He was funny, smelt incredible, just.. nice to see him whenever I was out. He was the perfect outlet for my attention.. I had someone to put my arm around, to sleep next to and show affection for.. [ there's only so much of that which one can give to a cat.. a dying cat at that ]. Now I'm home.. and that outlet has vanished. I'm stuck with all these emotions and want for male attention.. whose outlet got taken away from me for.. well.. no REAL reason.

Most relationships (not that i'm saying what i had for 4 days was that).. but they end either out of discovering something nasty about the other person, or by just realising that you're not supposed to carry on. My outlet sort of ended with nothing of the sort, and i think that's why I'm finding it particularly difficult to overcome. It doesnt help that he says he wants tos ee me.. yet I know he's probably only saying it to be nice. I mean, he doesnt text me.. or start the convo.. and if he liked me like I wanted to be liked he would..

Thankfully I'm getting over that one.

I dont want to be one of those pathetic girls screaming that she wants a boyfriend, but singledom has really begun to take its toll since being at home, because I can't give anyone my fuss and attention. I'm not saying that I want a boy desperately and now.. but an outlet for all this built up love that seems to be inside of me right now would be nice. I have about 4 friends at home who i enjoy seeing..and i love seeing them.. but most of them are happy.. and have an outlet for this type of emotion. it seems i'm the only who doesn't.. and so i cant talk to anyone about it. I want to put my arms around a man who wants to put him arms around mine.. and just lie there.. we have a gorgeous garden, with stars that are unbelievably bright and a gentle river running through it. can someone lie with me and give me a kiss every now and again while i watch it please? I need a week of love from a boy... I miss being loved by a boy.

Sigh.